


Without You

by tinyarmedtrex



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, IT 25 Days of Christmas, M/M, Post Break Up, family holiday, first holiday alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 01:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16801186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: Eddie and Richie have broken up and it's Eddie's first family holiday without him.





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt: “today was the first family gathering i’ve been to since we broke up and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again  
> And for the Thanksgiving Prompt

“Eddie! Sonia!” Eddie’s aunt Cathy called excitedly, ushering them in from the cold. “So good to see you! Come in! Take off your coats!”

Eddie followed his mother in, holding their annual dish of sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows. For as conscious as Sonia was of what Eddie ate she never seemed to worry about what she was eating, especially on Thanksgiving. He had long ago given up trying to figure out her logic. 

The family greeted Eddie, clucking about how much he had grown (ha) and how much they liked his new beard. Before long through the question he had been dreading came up. It happened before he had even gotten his coat off. 

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?” Mark, Cathy’s husband asked, looking behind them as if he had somehow missed Richie. 

Eddie stiffened, his mouth going dry as he tried to formulate a response but his mom was quick to answer. “Mark! They broke up. Finally! Poor Eddie got his heart shattered by that awful Tozier boy. But it’s for the best you know, now he can find someone that’s worth his time. Someone better!” She said all this in an awful fake whisper, pretending to turn away from Eddie while she did, like somehow then he couldn’t hear her in the small entryway. 

Mark, at least, had some humanity. He looked at Eddie and clapped a hand on his shoulder, “Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine.” He mumbled with a shrug. Really, it wasn’t fine, not at all. A pit formed in Eddie’s stomach, equal parts anxiety and sadness, especially as his mom kept rambling on about how Eddie could do better, about how that Tozier boy was just trash and did he even bathe regularly? She didn’t think so. As his family listened politely Eddie turned away, leaving them and going into the rest of the house. He couldn’t listen to his mom talk about Richie like that, to say out loud all the awful things she’d been thinking for years. Eddie wanted to defend him, to say that Richie wasn’t like that at all, but he couldn’t bring himself to. How was he supposed to defend the person who broke his heart and didn’t even seem to care? Thinking about it left a bitter taste in his mouth and Eddie suddenly felt weary, thinking about the day in front of him. Stuck with his overbearing mother and clueless, if loving, family. He hadn’t had to handle them alone for years, even before they were together Richie had come with him to Thanksgiving. It made today even worse, that he didn’t have his lifeline here. Someone who understood and could take the attention off Eddie with a well timed joke or bad pun.

Eddie sighed, letting his head fall into his hands and trying to calm down. He hadn’t wanted to come home for break and had tried to beg it off, saying he couldn’t afford the tickets to come back from college but his mom had bought them for him, surprising him at the last minute. ‘Eddiebear, you can’t miss Thanksgiving. It’s important! And everyone will want to see my little college man!’ 

So he had done it, boarding a plane and then a taxi to get back to his stifling hometown. His mom had fussed over him since he arrived late last night, demanding to know if he was eating enough (or too much), if he was sleeping okay (did he need another blanket? She heard the dorms were kept cold to save money, those awful cheap administrators) and if he was sure that he wouldn’t consider transferring to a closer school (one where he could come home every weekend!). Eddie had fielded all of these with his normal, vague answers. At least, until she asked about Richie.

“Is that boyfriend of yours joining us tomorrow?” Eddie had been sitting at the dining room table, poking at the dinner she reheated for him. Now he paused. This was the thing he had been dreading, the one thing he never wanted to talk to her about.

“No,” He said quietly, moving his chicken back and forth. “No Ma, we uh, broke up.”

The sheer joy on Sonia’s face made him feel sick. She had tutted, pretending to be disappointed for all of five minutes before launching into an explanation of why he was better off and how he could do so much better- maybe that Myra girl from church was still available, Eddie should ask her to coffee, see what happened. 

It was a testament to how tired he was that he didn’t bother to explain that even if he wasn’t dating Richie he still liked boys. Instead he nodded along for as long as he could and then excused himself upstairs, dragging himself into his room. It had felt so much smaller now, after being in New York. Not because his dorm was large but because the city was, New York meant freedom to be who he was. Derry meant hiding from it. His friends had been the only bright spot in the darkness of Derry. Them and Richie. He had crawled into bed, forcing himself to fall asleep before he started thinking about Richie and the memories he had of them together in his small twin bed. 

In the present, he felt an arm around his shoulders and looked up, seeing that it was Cathy, looking at him with sympathetic eyes. “Are you okay? I know how much you cared for Richie.”

Eddie nodded, trying to smile. His family, outside of his mom, adored Richie as much as him. They found him hilarious and delightful and always asked about Richie in their letters or phone calls. Remembering that was another stab to his heart. 

“It’s okay to not be okay you know.” Cathy said, taking the casserole dish from him.

Eddie opened his mouth to lie and say that no, he really was fine, when his younger cousin Anya came in the room. She launched herself at Eddie and he barely caught her, lifting her as she hugged him fiercely. “You’re almost too big for that!” He told her, happy for the distraction from talking about his failed relationship.

She giggled and clung to his neck. “I’m five now. I started kindergarten.” She told him, wiggling five fingers.

“I heard! Do you like it?” 

She nodded then looked around, her bright blue eyes surveying the room. “Where’s Richie? I want to have our marshmallow eating contest!” She started squirming and Eddie put her down, the pit in his stomach growing larger. Anya and Richie had an annual contest to see who could shove more marshmallows in their mouths. Richie always won but it would result in the three of them laughing until they were crying. Then every time Eddie kissed him for the next few hours, Richie would taste like marshmallows. He loved it, loved seeing how good Richie was with kids and how happy Anya was every year to see Richie. Eddie struggled with his next words. 

“He’s not coming.” 

The girl cocked her head and looked up at him. “Is he sick?” She asked, worried. “Because I can make him soup, I know how to open the can and everything!” She peered up at him with big eyes and Eddie made a noise that was caught between being a laugh and a cry. 

“No kiddo, he’s not sick. We, um,” He glanced at his aunt, who was pretending not to listen but obviously was. “We broke up.” How many more times would he have to say that today, he wondered, the words were like ash on his tongue.

Anya screwed up her face, confused. “But why? I thought you loved him! And I liked him, why’d you break up? You should get back together.”

“I know Anya I did- I-” Eddie faltered, unsure how to explain to a five year old that he didn't know why the love of his life had broken up with him and that he’d give anything to get back together with him. 

“Anya, come help me with setting the table.” Cathy said, putting her hand firmly on the girl’s back. “I never fold the napkins right.” 

She started to protest but then got distracted as Cathy talked about making them into swans. Eddie muttered a quick ‘thank you’ to Cathy before disappearing upstairs. He knew that his family would stay downstairs and, after five minutes with them, he already needed a break.

Wandering into the master bathroom he locked the door behind him and slid into the tub, letting his head fall back and rest on the lip of the tub. He had known that this was going to be awful but his still hadn’t been prepared for the actual event. This was only the beginning. He still had to sit through a dinner full of uncomfortable questions and pitying glances. 

Trying to distract himself, Eddie took his phone out of his pocket and pulled up his texts. The group message he had with the losers was hopping, all of them complaining about family or sharing pictures of their meals. He smiled a little at a picture of Ben and Bev, each gripping an end of the wishbone as the kissed. 

Then he scrolled more and saw a picture of Richie, his long arm holding out his phone while a family Eddie didn’t recognize prepped food in the background. A girl with a bright smile had her chin propped up on Richie’s shoulder, holding up a peace sign and sticking her tongue out. The caption read ‘Surviving and thriving with Madison!’ Richie looked great, his hair was a little longer and he was wearing a shirt Eddie bought him for his birthday. Eddie gripped his phone so hard he heard a crack. Finally, he forced himself to hit the the back button, closing the chat while his heart beat rapidly. Richie was happy, without him. Richie had moved on. Richie didn’t need him. Eddie choked back a sob, distracting himself by looking at his other messages. 

Most were from his college friends, asking how he was doing but one caught his eye. He had gotten it early that morning but missed it. It was from Richie and he opened it, barely daring to breath. It was simple, reading just ‘Happy Thanksgiving Eds.’ 

He stared at the simple words, his feelings divided. Part of him was upset that Richie dared to text him after breaking up with him. They hadn’t spoken since and this felt like a shitty way to start a conversation. 

Another part of him wondered if Richie was trying to extend the olive branch so they could be friends again, he knew that the others were worried about that. They hadn’t said it outright but Eddie could feel it in their questions, when they asked about Christmas break and if they could still do all their traditions.

Of course, Eddie had said yes, he’d be fine, he told them with a smile that he hoped was convincing even though inside he knew he couldn’t do it. He loved his friends dearly but doing their annual sledding party and not sharing a sled with Richie or watching movies and not curling up next to lanky man, Eddie couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pretend that he was okay with this new normal, not yet. He knew they’d understand. 

Still staring at the text he admitted to himself that there was a third, smaller, part of him that hoped that it meant that Richie missed him. Maybe the text was Richie’s way of testing the waters, to see if Eddie wanted to talk. That part of Eddie kept singing that Richie had to miss him and had to want to get back together. They had been so deeply in love, there was no way that Richie had actually wanted to break up. That terrible phone call a month ago had been a fluke. Richie hadn’t meant it, hadn’t meant it when he said that it was too hard to keep things going long distance, hadn't meant that both would be better off this way.

Because Eddie certainly wasn’t better off. It was only because of his roommates and new friends that he had left his bed for classes and to eat. Without them he would have stayed curled up in his quilt, watching friends on a loop. They had let him wallow for a week before forcing him out, saying that Richie wasn’t worth this, that Richie didn’t deserve to have this much control over Eddie. At first he tried to defend Richie, saying that he didn’t really mean to hurt Eddie but the longer he had gone without hearing from Richie, without getting the call that Richie had fucked up and wanted him back, the more he started to believe them. Or, at least, the more he wanted to believe them. 

And he had been doing better, just barely. He had been holding himself together, especially if he didn’t let himself think too long about anything. At least, until he came home and everything stunk of Richie. He couldn’t be in his room without thinking of how Richie held him here and kissed him there. He couldn’t walk down the streets without remembering Richie singing to him or all of them riding bikes together. Everywhere he looked shouted ‘Richie Richie Richie.’ It was overwhelming. 

The text message blurred as tears clouded Eddie’s vision. He blinked twice and then, against his better judgement, opened his photos folder. Swiping, he looked at the photos from the past summer, where he and Richie had gone on a road trip to Provincetown, MA. The two were tanned and happy. Eddie swiped through pictures of him on Richie’s back, of him carrying Richie bridal style, of them eating lobster rolls. Their grins seemed to grow in each photo and Eddie sank further into the tub. How could that have only been three months ago? He had thought they’d be together forever, had assumed they’d live together after college, maybe get a cat, eventually get married. They had gone through so much that Eddie knew they could take on whatever life threw at them. 

Except apparently each other. Except Richie falling out of love with him and ending everything, deciding on his own that this was easier for both of them. 

Unconsciously, he had brought up Richie’s contact info and was now staring at an older picture of Richie where he was making a heart with his hands and smiling at Eddie with his dorkiest grin. It made his chest hurt to see it. He had taken Richie off his speed dial but hadn’t changed that damned picture. With a shaky finger, he pushed the call button, not letting himself think the action through. He put the phone on speaker, the rings echoing in the small bathroom. 

As it rang he wondered what the hell he would say if Richie picked up. 

“Don’t fucking call me Eds.”

Ring.

“Take me back.”

Ring.

“You broke my heart.”

Ring.

“I love you.” 

In the end he didn’t have to decide. Before long Richie’s voicemail picked it. Before, it had always made Eddie laugh. It was Richie singing terribly offkey to the tune of ‘Call me Maybe.” Now it made him choke back another sob. 

_ “Hey I missed your call, I hope you aren't crazy, but leave your name, I will call you maybe” _

He ended the call, not willing to embarrass himself by leaving a voicemail. Forcing himself to stand Eddie left the bathroom and went back downstairs, enduring the sad smiles and one armed hugs from his family. He spent the rest of the day trying not to look at his phone, not wanting to admit how desperately he wanted Richie to call him back, how much he wanted to hear Richie’s voice and his laugh. Every time Eddie felt his phone vibrate a pulse went through him, a painful hope that it was Richie calling him back. 

It never was. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr, tell me how much you love post break up angst- [tinyarmedtrex](https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/)


End file.
